American’s Orphans

It’s fall. In the Pacific Northwest. I’ve grown up seeing the leaves change colors and eventually fall to the ground soon to become slimy and gross because of the rain. Soon it’ll get colder and I’ll have to scrape ice off my car. Which, let’s face it, is a huge Inconvenience. And even after I moved home after having “no fall” for four years, I couldn’t see the beauty that lies with the season changing and God’s amazing creations giving its last best shot before winter comes. I like to think it’s waited all year for its best colors.

This year, thankfully, is different. I’m seeing the colors in all of their glory with new eyes. I’m seeing the leaves that blanket my car each day as a way to make sure I don’t miss the colors. And as I take in every smell and sight and taste (PUMPKIN BREAD!!!!!) of this glorious season, I’m reminded how much Jesus loves me.

Last year, I was lost and depressed and my identity was in the balance. I’d forgotten who I was and who God made me to be. I’d let fear, doubt and even “failure” creep in and define me rather than the promises of the One who made me with delight. But thankfully, His creation never stops working and he isn’t done, even in the “dying season.”

And now, I’m in the middle of the calling that is straight from the Father’s heart: Foster Care. At first I had my eyes set on orphans across the ocean, which yes they need to be held and loved on. But now, just like the leaves, Jesus has shown me, with new eyes, the thousand of orphans living in my neighborhood. American’s orphans. And my journey loving and caring for and praying for these orphans has only just begun.

Yes, it’s heartbreaking and difficult. Yes there are days I come home and cry because of the things I’ve seen and heard. But holding an 8 day old baby, playing “hot potato” with 7 & 9 year olds, holding the hand of a scared 2 year old, seeing a birth mom get clean and having her son return home, another birth couple pull themselves together and become great parents and having their son return home, being called Keki by a 4 year old who can’t remember my name….I could go on…these are the reasons why I do what I do and can’t imagine doing anything else.  In the Fall and in the many seasons to come.

Loving on American’s orphans. One child, one family, at a time.

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Exchange

Exchange: An act of giving one thing and receiving another in return.

It’s been a few months since I’ve written a post mostly because as I re-read my posts I realized I started to sound redundant but also because a lot of what I was saying seemed to in turn be short lived or not honest. But this one is different. This time I want to reflect on a word that have been dwelling on and thinking about. Exchange.

I went to a worship night a few weeks ago and as we were singing songs that I didn’t know, The Lord continued speaking the word exchange. As I dwelt on the word and what The Lord was saying I felt him say “I have an exchange for you. I want to take your brokenness, pain, heartache, failures, fears, sin, shame, and doubts in exchange for My presence.” As I thought about what that meant, I saw an image of the Old Testament priests coming before The Lord in the Holy of Hoilies and exchanging the confession and sacrifice of Israel’s sin in exchange for the presence of God. What an amazing exchange! And it’s totally not even or fair! And yet, that’s what Jesus has for me.

So as I sang songs about how good The Lord is and how much I want and need Him, I exchanged my pain for His presence. I gave him my failures and sin for the fullness of Him. And in that moment, in that exchange, something broke. Something happened. It wasn’t an overly, traditional, churchy emotional moment. But something in my spirit shifted. I didn’t realize it at first. In fact I didn’t realize it for a few days when I woke up and thought “Wait a minute…I feel like…myself. I feel free. Whole.”

This is a new season I’m in and it’s different than anything I could have ever imagined. But it’s exactly where Jesus wants me to be and doing what he wants me to be doing. I’m loving orphans and broken families. I’m experiencing walking with Jesus exchanging all my junk for his beautiful presence…one day at a time.

Exchanging His beauty for my ashes.

Character in Development

“Character cannot be developed in peace and quiet” -Helen Keller. I came across this quote this evening and instantly my mind jumped to how perfectly this can be said for my life right now. My character and the person Jesus is making me to be is being developed and it’s not in the quiet.

Over the passed 6 months I’ve dealt with so many emotions and trials, sin and rebellion, repentance and forgiveness, grief and anger, confusion and resentment, happiness and joy, fear and pride. And yet in the midst of all of it, Jesus has been ever so faithful and present. Yes, there have been times, many times, where I have questioned his presence, but deep inside I knew he was always there. I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced so much doubt as to who I was and if God really cared about me any more. Sure in school I was confident, I had a plan, and it was for Jesus so if course it would come about. Even while working at the church. Never before had my life been so alive and thriving….I was doing what was God’s work, I was “living the dream.” But as time passed the dream became dry and lonely. Soon it was about me and not about Jesus. And that’s when the doubts started to really flood in causing me to really question everything I have ever know to be true.

And now, here I am, on my knees again fully aware of the grace of God and how it’s not my dream at all. It’s His. And in His dream there is a deep desire for my character to be developed  and matured. Hence the noise. The distractions. The need to push through it all and find His face. Unfortunately, I’d have to honestly confess that I nearly failed the test. But then again maybe I didn’t. Maybe I passed just fine. Passing in the fact that through it all I was still brought to my knees and acknowledging God is God and I am not. Maybe it has all been about forcing me to see my own need for a Savior and for Him to develop my character the way He saw fit. Maybe it was for a greater good to develop me for the next great adventure He’s inviting me on. 

I don’t understand it all. And I know I’m not out the woods yet but I’m confident that the inner work the Holy Spirit is doing is far greater than where I live, the job I have or the “success” story I’m living. What matters is that I’m following Jesus. 

 

Jesus Can Handle Messiness

Tomorrow marks 6 months of me being back in Washington. Some days, most days, it feels like I’ve been here forever! But when I think about it, it’s only been 6 months. That’s really not that long in the grand scheme of things. But regardless of how long it’s been or hasn’t been, I’m disappointed with where things are. I thought I’d be “farther along” than this. I thought I would be out of my parents house, and working at an “adult” job and moving forward with my life rather than the constant feeling that I have taken ten steps backward. But even more than the disappointment of my status in life, is my relationship with Jesus. I’ve let go of Him. I’ve stop clinging to Him. I’ve been angry and upset at Him for not putting me where I think I should be. I’ve been frustrated with Him because He’s moving so slowly! I mean all I want is a place that will allow me to use the giftings He’s given me to tell people about Him! You’d think He’d want me somewhere sooner rather than later!!! 

But the last few weeks, very quietly and very gently the Lord has been speaking to me, even though I wasn’t giving Him the time or space to do so. He’s been calling me back to Himself. He’s been inviting me back to His heart. And yet I’ve been screaming in His face, “Jesus! Just use me, just put me somewhere where I can be effective! Use my knowledge and skills! Use my heart! Use the things I’m passionate about (I don’t know what they are any more, but use them!) I want to be used! I want to be moved! Do something! Give me a better job! Find me a place to live! Bring me relationships!” And once again I think I’ve been missing the picture. Jesus isn’t concerned about where I am or what I’m doing (I know He is, but I believe He’s less concerned about that). I know He is concerned with who I’m becoming. He’s concerned with where my heart is and who I’m clinging to. And to be honest, I haven’t been clinging to Him. I have been avoiding Him. Even tempting to look and see what else there is. I know the theology and the grace that’s there and what I’ve studied and experience, but I’m wondering if this is really it. 

And then, in the sweetness character of the Lord, He’s calling me back. This morning, I slept through my alarm and didn’t make it to church. I’ve been working late so I was tired. And yet, for the first time in months, I actually desired to sit with Jesus. I actually wanted to hear Him for myself and to feel His arms around me again. And He was already waiting for me. He wasn’t harsh, as He had every right to be, or angry. He was gentle and sweet. Reminded me of some of my favorite passages in Scriptures and some of my favorite worship songs. And He reminded me that no matter where I go, or what I do, that His hands are big enough for my heart. His arms are wide enough to rescue me and set me free. He truly is enough. 

Do I have any sense of direction for my life? Nope. Do I know where I’m headed? Absolutely not. But I do know that my mission, my job, my assignment, in this moment and for the rest of my life, is to cling to Him and sit as His feet. To come back to His arms and just be with Him. I’m kind of a mess. And some days I can hold it together better than others. But I’m so glad Jesus is big enough to handle my mess.

Blessed is the man whose trust is the LORD

It’s been a little over a month since I’ve moved back to Washington and I wish I could say that this month has been amazing, and I’ve seen the Lord do so much and all that great jazz everyone wants to hear when you start off on a new adventure. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case. In many ways, I feel like this past month has been a waste. I’ve gone two steps forward and then ten steps backward. Most of this I equate to my health. Normally, I’m a pretty healthy person. But this month, I have had way more sick days than healthy ones! Starting off with exhaustion, then a pain killer detox (who would have thought I’d get hooked on pain killers!), then a horrible cold, followed by a bacterial infection which required an unexpected, semi-expensive trip to the Urgent Care.

All in all, not the way I had hope this month would have gone and certainly putting a damper on an already uncertain and stressful situation. I’ve been constantly questioning my decision to move here and to start over. I’ve been second guessing everything I heard and thought I screwed up my life- I know, dramatic. I’m beginning to get extremely frustrated because I don’t feel like I’m moving forward. I haven’t found a job because when I have tried, I get sick. I even went to an interview sick! And I’m feeling more alone than I have ever felt in my life- not sure where I fit in and where to really start looking for relationships and connection. Even within my own family, I’m having to re-learn where and how I fit in. I know I’m a different person than when I left 4 years ago, it’s just hard to translate that change in a world that hasn’t changed that much and only remembers the old version of me.

But then, yesterday, the Lord used my brother to speak the most profound, most real truth I’ve heard since before I left California: God has an adventure for me, it’s not in a place or a person- it’s with His Spirit. I’ve always been out looking for adventure, looking for that one place, or that one person, who will make me feel like I’m really alive and really experiencing the fullness of life. And I’ve been doing it in the name of “Going on an Adventure for Jesus.” Instead of seeing Jesus as the adventure. And I know that following Him is really a life of adventure, but I’m beginning to think it’s so much more than that. When I look at Scripture, I see that it all comes back to knowing Jesus. These men and women did great things for Jesus, but they did it because they knew Him. They didn’t waste their time trying to find “life giving” things. They already found the Giver of life. 

I’ve been looking for life giving relationships, situations, jobs, experiences, and education instead of trying to find real life in Jesus. And I wonder if this is not the greatest sin someone can make: trying to find life outside of Jesus. Because it’s not a life founded and built solely on Him.

In Jeremiah 17:5-8, the LORD paints this picture of the comparison of a man who trusts in mankind and a man who trust in the LORD; a man who trust in his strength, and a man whose trust is the LORD. It’s a difference of cursing and blessing, of death and life, of salt and fruit. 

 “Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD and whose trust is the LORD…” (17:7) 

What a beautiful idea: that the Lord is the not only the one we trust but that He is our trust. That He is my trust. This portion of Scripture has got me really thinking how vital it is to not just put my trust in the Lord and believe Him at His word, but to make Him my trust; to make Him my whole life. He has to be truly my everything, otherwise I’m just wasting my time. I want to be about my Father’s business in all things I do, but the only way I can do that is by knowing my Father. And not just knowing Him, but really knowing Him, really allowing Him to direct each and every step; allowing Him to be my adventure.

Even though I feel like this past month has been a waste, I’m starting to see, even if it is Jesus is more concerned about this change of heart He’s desiring me to have and less about if I have a job or not. He cares more about my attitude and mindset more than the community I have or don’t have. He’s more concerned that I learn the lessons He has for me here and now, rather than repeating a lifetime cycle of destruction. So today, marks the first day I’m starting to find life in Jesus, rather than the lack of “adventure” I may or may not have. 

Don’t Forget Who’s Child You Are

As I find myself in a new season of life, I’m sensing from the Lord that I need to start something new. Something that allows me to use my brain and some of the gifts the Lord has given me in order to help help me process what’s the Lord doing and saying in me, all the while hoping that I might be able to allow others to be encouraged and hear the voice of the Lord. I will be starting to write small “lessons” or “sermons” if you will, from portions of Scriptures that I will be reading and studying and sharing my thoughts and findings on here. I hope you’ll take this journey with me as together we discover more of the word of the Lord and what He is saying to His people…at least what He is saying to me 🙂

Project 1: David & Goliath- 1 Samuel 16-17
“Don’t Forget Who’s Child You Are”

Since growing up in church, I am well familiar with the popular story of David and Goliath. I think this is the story every Sunday School teacher knows by heart and takes a sign of relief when this lesson comes up because it’s usually pretty easy to teach…Small young, boy, verses big giant. Small boy is fearless, and wins a huge battle for the people of Israel. Let’s eat some Gold Fish crackers and draw a pretty picture and go home.

But this time, as I was reading the story, I realized there is SO much more to it than that. Yes, there’s a small, young boy. Yes, there’s a giant. Yes, there’s a victory for Israel. But there’s a character development that I really think get’s missed in this story. At least I’ve missed it! As I started to look more closely at this story I started to think about who David really was. In these two chapters of Scriptures, the guy gets five different descriptions! The first is from his father saying that he is the youngest of the family and tends to the sheep. Now just from this first description of him, David has two strikes against him: he was the youngest in his family, and he was was a shepherd- a job that was usually assigned to the youngest in the family, or the least of the slaves. This was a job nobody wanted, and often those who were shepherds were mistreated, discriminated against, even hated. How could it be possible that this boy would go on to become the king of God’s holy people? I believe it was all because He knew Who’s child he was. He knew the Father, and because he knew the Father, it didn’t matter how many different strikes against him he had.

David seems to have an air about him that reveals that He knew the Father. He knew His heart, and character, and power. He relied on Him to provide and protect David, his sheep, his family. I can imagine David having spent hours upon hours talking with the Lord, worshiping Him from the depths of his soul. Now I’m sure it wasn’t all about the Lord, after all, he was a teenage boy, but I imagine that the time spent in those fields were the most precious, life giving, growing times any person could ever have. I think of Saint Patrick who, as a slave in Ireland, was out in the fields, doing very similar work than that of David while learning the heart of the Lord. St Patrick took what he learned of the Lord, applied it to his own life and then changed a nation’s history.

The fact that David had a relationship with the Lord that made him stand out beyond his brothers, or any other person in Israel, for that matter just amazes me. And yet, because he did, he knew that nothing, no one- not even a 9 foot giant- can stand in his way.

As David watched the sheep I wonder if he thought what he wasn’t doing anything important, or it wasn’t as important as his brothers since they were off to war, and he was stuck at home. I mean, it was, after all, SHEEP! Little, helpless, pathetic sheep. And he was in charge of watching them. But because he had that time in the pastures, and was able to see the hand of the Lord on him as he fought the bear and lion, he was able to say to Saul and the armies- our God’s hand is not short. He can and will deliver His people from this uncircumcised (fitly, low end, awful, good for nothing) Philistine. David had seen the power of God, and now was able to believe whole heartily that God is the same and would surely not disappoint.

How many times have I been in the “pasture” watching sheep and fighting lions and bears that seemed so insignificant at the time. But then, days, months, years, sometimes hours, later I’m faced with a giant and instead of cowarding back, I see it for what it is- something or someone- smaller than the King of Kings that I’ve come to love, know and rely on while fighting the lions and bears. (At least I hope I see it for what it is!)

Are you fighting lions and bears while others around you are fighting giants? Are you in the pasture just writing songs, talking to Jesus, but no action is happening? No matter where you are, no matter how many strikes you might have against you, know that each moment, each trial, each win, each conversation, can and should be used when giants are right in front of you defiling the God of the universe and His kids. Remember, you’re His child, He’s got you. As long as you know Him, you’re unstoppable.

Today, Another Chapter of this Story Ended

The analogy that life is like a book filled with chapters that start and end, leading onto the another page, another chapter, seems like the perfect way to describe the process we all go through throughout the various changes that each passing day, week, month, and year bring.

For those of you who don’t know, my season in California- Burbank specifically- is ending. Jesus is calling me to a new season, a new chapter, one that is anything but clear, but covered by His grace. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been wrestling with the Lord on what He was doing in me and in my ministry at MCC. I wasn’t sure what He was doing, and it seemed like all I could see and feel in front of me were tall, brick walls that wouldn’t move. When I went to my knees and cried out to the Lord asking Him if this was the time for me to move on, He brought me to the passage in Matthew where Jesus talks about the new wine being poured into new wineskins. I felt as if the Lord was saying: I have new wine to pour out upon you but if I were to pour it on you now, it would be wasted and ruined, so I need you to have a new wineskin, I need you to be in a new context. At that moment, I knew in my heart that my time in Burbank was ending, even though the next step was, and is still, covered in fog. I then begin to process with pastors, friends, family, and others I know in ministry about the timing, the next step, if this was truly the Lord, and with each passing conversation, each verse of Scripture, with each prayer, it became obvious that yes, the Lord was doing something new.

It then became a matter of timing. By the grace of God, my pastor initiated a conversation about what the Lord was speaking to me and by the end of the meeting, I had a timeline of when my job would end (May 15) and when I would have to move (by June 15). I walked away being amazed how the Lord orchestrated the conversation and timing, and overwhelmed that I was indeed taking the steps to quit my job and move 1100 thousand miles away. 

Today, was my last day working on staff at MCC. It is a weird feeling knowing that the work of my hands is coming to an end at this place I’ve called home for over 2 years. This place where I had my first full-time ministry assignment. This place where I learned more about Jesus, ministry, leadership, life, friendships, than I could have possibly envisioned ever learning in one place. After this time at Burbank, I’ve come to realize the brokenness the Lord has brought upon me as I have wrestled with Him and now realize the limp I walk and lead with. I know I have so much more to grow and learn, but I also know the God I’m wrestling with so much more. I grew in relationship and reliance on Him in ways I could have only imagined. This assignment was never once easy. It was a battle everyday. But looking back now, I see that with each battle, I was never once left alone, never once forgotten about, and never once forsaken. Jesus was with me and there’s nothing else I could have asked for.

It’s weird to think I won’t be living here any more. It’s weird to think about what my new life will be like. But I know that no matter where I go or what I do, Jesus is with me, holding me by the hand, and preparing to write the next chapter of my life.

My plans are to hit the road with my little car, packed with anything that will fit, drive to Washington (back home) on June 10th with my sister, stay with my parents, and enter a season of rest and waiting on the Lord. I believe the Lord wants to bring a great, and much needed, rest in my life as well as do some major healing in the depth of my heart all the while reminding me of who I am in Him. I have a few options as to what I might or could be doing but I know the Lord is calling me to a season of rest before I even think about the next stage of my life and the next steps I am to take.

Even though I don’t see the path ahead, I know Jesus is with me, walking with me, holding my hand, and writing the next chapter in my life. 

In Need of Grace

It amazes me how I can feel so confident, so sure of myself one minute, and then the next feel completely undone. Raw. Unnerved. Uncovered. Exposed. And these are the moments when I so desperately want to go run and hide and pretend never happened. But at the very same time, these are the moments when I so desperately need to be at the feet of Jesus. I

t’s been two years since I’ve graduated from college and there’s days when I feel as though I have come so far, and then days when I feel like I’m back in my dorm room unpacking all of my worldly treasures and scared as ever. But over these past two years, I truly believe Jesus has done more healing, more digging, more stripping, more growing and changing than any other time in my life. My ideas about life, ministry, love, friendship, work ethics, even the face looking back at me in the mirror have all be challenged, upheaved, removed, rearranged, and redefined over, and over, and over again. I hardly recognize that girl who first moved to California. I hardly recognize that girl who first moved to LA. But more and more I’ve started to recognize my God. I’ve become more aware of His voice and His promoting. I’ve become more aware of His workings and the things He’s wanting to change and redefine in me. And lately, well, over the past 2 years, He’s been working on, what feels like, the same issue- I’M NOT PERFECT!

I know, I know. DUH! I’ve got issues. I can be mean and cruel. I can be ungracious, judgmental, and rude. I’m messed up. And yet, I’m trying to have it all together all the time. I know people who can’t live without chaos because that’s all they know, but I can’t live without striving for perfection because that’s all I know! It’s like Jesus is asking me stop trying to swim against the current and just allow His grace to take me down stream. It’s easier. It’s better. It’s the most efficient way to get to where I need to go. It’s the best way. But I keep fighting it. I keep trying to go upstream. I keep going against the current. I’ve convinced myself that going against the stream is just what it takes to live, to survive. I have to do things the hard way otherwise it’s not really worth it, or it didn’t really “count.” (Count for what, I have no idea.) Why do I feel like I can’t share my failures? My fears? My mistakes? Why can’t I simple come out with a sign that says: “In need of grace!”? Why can’t I just allow the Lord to do His miraculous work regardless of what I do or don’t do. Regardless of how “perfect” I am. I need grace. More of it.

The longer I work with people, the more I lead, the more ministry I do, the more I realize, I can’t be perfect. I don’t want to be. I don’t ever want to be in a place where I don’t need more of Jesus’ grace. I don’t ever want to lead out of my own knowledge and skill and just do it on my own. I always want to be in need of more grace. I always want to live on total dependance on the Holy Spirit and what He’s about. Even though it’s harder, more humbling, to live always in the need of grace. But at the same time, living in the alternative isn’t the life I was destined to live. 

So tonight, I’m walking a little more humbled. A little more aware of my need for His grace. As hard as it is to not know what I’m doing, to lose the confidence in my own capabilities, it’s comforting to know I’m going about my Father’s business and it’s all about Him, not about me.

Letting Go

It’s hard to believe that another year has started. It’s weird to think that 2011 is over and done with forever. Already, January is half over. The way time speeds by is just unfathomable to me. Another day, week, month, year. All gone in just a short period. But each day, each week, each month, and each year bring something new to our lives that the day, week, month, and year didn’t. 

Over the past few months, well, really all of 2011, the Lord has been asking me to let go of a lot of things in my life. All were very hard to surrender. Dreams I’ve had all my life, friendships that formed and shaped me, ideas and promotions, school, positions and freedoms. Some might call these things mean of God to ask me to give up, but knowing that He has things in store for me in 2012 that are incredible, of course I’ll give up anything He asks me to! But still, it doesn’t make it easy. 

I’m realizing that the Lord is taking me through a season that requires a lot from me. But in this season, I also know the depth He’s calling me to, the life He has for me, the new things He wants to bring to my life, is all worth it. I’m learning a lot about what it means to just be with Him. For Him to be enough for me- not just when things are hard, but in the good times too. I’m learning how to let go of everything I’ve held onto, everything I think I should have and deserve, and everything I’ve held close. All for the sake of loving Him more. 

Jesus talks more about money than prayer. That to me says something. And I think a lot of it is because money is us producing something- us providing for ourselves. And if we do it, God doesn’t get the glory or praise. It’s us who did it. This is true beyond money. If we are consumed by things, positions, titles, degrees, relationships, then where does God fit? Where is His praise and glory. Everything we have, everything we are, must be held with an open hand. We must be willing to surrender everything- even the promises. Because if we hold too tightly to things or peoples, or positions, we will never get the fullness of the good things the Lord wants to give us. We’ll miss out on His very best for our lives. 

2011 was a hard year. When it was over, I felt striped of almost everything. But now that 2012 has come, I stand before the King of Kings, naked, and ready to receive all He has for me because I literally have nothing. And I know, whatever He gives me, will be the best gift anyone could ever give me. 2011 has been a year of letting go. I know 2012 will be a year of fruit 🙂

Being Satisfied With Jesus

This week, my church was called to a week of prayer and fasting. Today is the end of day 3 and it’s incredible what the Lord does when we put aside distractions and become desperate for Him. I’ve fasted before, and normally the Lord makes the Scriptures come alive in new ways, and speaks to me in “small ways” and that’s what I expected for this fast. I didn’t have a whole lot of things I was truly contending for, it was more out of obedience that I decided to do this fast. But thankfully, the Lord has decided to blow me away with His goodness and start to pick up the broken pieces and put them together again.

About a month ago, I finished the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. And in it, Chan tells of his wife’s grandmother who loved Jesus more than anyone or anything else. He then quoted John Piper who wrote (my paraphrase) If heaven was everything you could ever want, with everyone you ever loved, filled with all of the best of everything, but Jesus was not there, would your heart be satisfied? And when I first read the quote I thought “of course not!” But then I thought about it again, read it again, and have been chewing on it ever since. Would my heart be truly happy in a heaven without Jesus? And if the answer is no, then why aren’t I living it out on earth?

Often times I truly long for a companion, a partner, a forever friend, that sticks with me through thick and thin. Someone to bring comfort, encouragement, and urging. A running partner. But as I’ve been mediating on this thought of being satisfied without Jesus, the question came to me, “Why do I need people?” I know all of the answers- they’re our mission field, we need people to encourage us, to run along side us, etc. But if Jesus is who He says He is, and He says that He is enough for us, then why do we need relationships? Why do we need to rely on people? Why do we need friendships or relationships to feel whole, complete, satisfied? This has been something I’ve struggled with for a very long time. And I know that relationships are extremely important, but what if they were removed from the equation? What would my heart do? I regretfully confess, it would be devastated.

As I’ve gone three days without food, tv, and movies, I’ve come to see the desperation for Jesus. There’s been moments over the last few days where I’ve thought, “Jesus, show up! Now! Or I’m going to faint!” And I haven’t because He’s shown up and given me the energy I need. It’s truly incredible. But instead of just waiting for moments of fasting, or of times of true desperation (job loss, pain, illness, etc) what if I lived in that desperation of Jesus daily, hourly even? How would my life be different? How would my ministry be different? How would my relationships change? How would my heart change?  “God if you don’t show up I’m going to fall, hard!”

I’m not 100% sure how to make myself become truly satisfied in Jesus, but I’m on this journey to find out how. I’m trying to understand what it truly means to give all of myself into His loving arms; to fall desperately in love with Him where nothing else, or anyone else, can even begin to compare with being with Him. I want to be truly satisfied with Jesus.

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