It amazes me how I can feel so confident, so sure of myself one minute, and then the next feel completely undone. Raw. Unnerved. Uncovered. Exposed. And these are the moments when I so desperately want to go run and hide and pretend never happened. But at the very same time, these are the moments when I so desperately need to be at the feet of Jesus. I
t’s been two years since I’ve graduated from college and there’s days when I feel as though I have come so far, and then days when I feel like I’m back in my dorm room unpacking all of my worldly treasures and scared as ever. But over these past two years, I truly believe Jesus has done more healing, more digging, more stripping, more growing and changing than any other time in my life. My ideas about life, ministry, love, friendship, work ethics, even the face looking back at me in the mirror have all be challenged, upheaved, removed, rearranged, and redefined over, and over, and over again. I hardly recognize that girl who first moved to California. I hardly recognize that girl who first moved to LA. But more and more I’ve started to recognize my God. I’ve become more aware of His voice and His promoting. I’ve become more aware of His workings and the things He’s wanting to change and redefine in me. And lately, well, over the past 2 years, He’s been working on, what feels like, the same issue- I’M NOT PERFECT!
I know, I know. DUH! I’ve got issues. I can be mean and cruel. I can be ungracious, judgmental, and rude. I’m messed up. And yet, I’m trying to have it all together all the time. I know people who can’t live without chaos because that’s all they know, but I can’t live without striving for perfection because that’s all I know! It’s like Jesus is asking me stop trying to swim against the current and just allow His grace to take me down stream. It’s easier. It’s better. It’s the most efficient way to get to where I need to go. It’s the best way. But I keep fighting it. I keep trying to go upstream. I keep going against the current. I’ve convinced myself that going against the stream is just what it takes to live, to survive. I have to do things the hard way otherwise it’s not really worth it, or it didn’t really “count.” (Count for what, I have no idea.) Why do I feel like I can’t share my failures? My fears? My mistakes? Why can’t I simple come out with a sign that says: “In need of grace!”? Why can’t I just allow the Lord to do His miraculous work regardless of what I do or don’t do. Regardless of how “perfect” I am. I need grace. More of it.
The longer I work with people, the more I lead, the more ministry I do, the more I realize, I can’t be perfect. I don’t want to be. I don’t ever want to be in a place where I don’t need more of Jesus’ grace. I don’t ever want to lead out of my own knowledge and skill and just do it on my own. I always want to be in need of more grace. I always want to live on total dependance on the Holy Spirit and what He’s about. Even though it’s harder, more humbling, to live always in the need of grace. But at the same time, living in the alternative isn’t the life I was destined to live.
So tonight, I’m walking a little more humbled. A little more aware of my need for His grace. As hard as it is to not know what I’m doing, to lose the confidence in my own capabilities, it’s comforting to know I’m going about my Father’s business and it’s all about Him, not about me.
Walking with Jesus... 